Kyle's Funny Lists

Funny lists

Quick Reference

Fun Things to Do on the First Day of Class

  1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
  2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
  3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
  4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
  5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
  6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
  7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
  8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
  9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
  10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
  11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
  12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
  13. Sing your questions.
  14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
  15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
  16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
  17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
  18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
  19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
  20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
  21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.
  22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
  23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
  24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
  25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
  26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
  27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
  28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
  29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
  30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
  31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
  32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
  33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
  34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
  35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even if it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
  36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
  37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
  38. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
  39. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
  40. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
  41. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
  42. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
  43. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
  44. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
  45. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
  46. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
  47. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
  48. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
  49. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
  50. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
  51. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
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Way Too Obvious News Headlines

  1. Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
    Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
  2. Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
    Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
  3. Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
    The New York Times, November 22
  4. Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
    The Los Angeles Times, November 2
  5. 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
    Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
  6. Alcohol ads promote drinking
    The Hartford Courant, November 18
  7. Malls try to attract shoppers
    The Baltimore Sun, October 22
  8. Official: Only rain will cure drought
    The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
  9. Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
    The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
  10. Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
    Newsday, July 11
  11. Man shoots neighbor with machete
    The Miami Herald, July 3
  12. Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
    The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
  13. Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
    The New York Times, March 10
  14. Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
    The Los Angeles Times, March 2
  15. Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
    The Oregonian, January 28
  16. Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
    The Buffalo News, February 26
  17. Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
    Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
  18. Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
    Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
  19. Economist uses theory to explain economy
    Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
  20. Bible church's focus is the Bible
    Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
  21. Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
    Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
  22. Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
    The Chicago Tribune, March 5
  23. Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
    Journal of Commerce, April 20
  24. Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
    The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
  25. Lack of brains hinders research
    The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
  26. How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart
    Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
  27. Fish lurk in streams
    Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
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Greeting Cards Unsuccessfully Marketed By Hallmark

  1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
  2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"... but I know it's incurable.
  3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry!
  4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
  5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
  6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
  7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
  8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
  9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
  10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.
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Proper Diskette and Care Usage

  1. Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
  2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
  3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
  4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
  5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
  6. Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
  7. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
  8. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
  9. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.....
  10. You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegtable compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to unthaw by microwaving or breifly immersing in boiling water.
  11. "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable youngsters.
  12. You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command: FORMAT /U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with a nail file.
  13. Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.
  14. Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently affix labels to your disks.
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Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

  1. Chairs and rugs: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to and oriental rug. If no oriental rug is available, shag carpet will do.
  2. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered that a door is opened, stand halfway in and think about several things.
  3. Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have Friskie Fish Glop on your breath, so much the better.
  4. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white fur goes with black wool. For a guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle.
  5. When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you allow me on the table when company is not here." Always accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit and stare.
  6. Work: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. this is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are rules for hampering.
  7. When supervising cooking, sit just behind left heel of cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
  8. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  9. For knitting projects, curl quietly into lap of knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
  10. Play: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2 and 4 am.
  11. Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
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Men Jokes

  1. What's the thinnest book in the world?
    What men know about women.
  2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One. Men will screw anything.
  3. How does a man take a bubble bath?
    He eats beans for dinner.
  4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
    Because they don't have balls to itch.
  5. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
    A half hour of begging.
  6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
    He's breathing.
  7. What's the difference between men and government bonds?
    Bonds mature.
  8. How do you save your man from drowning?
    Take you foot off his head.
  9. What do men and beer bottles have in common?
    They are both empty from the neck up.
  10. How can you tell if a man is happy.
    Who cares.
  11. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    We don't know -- it's never happened.
  12. How are men and parking spots alike?
    The good ones are always taken, and the ones left are handicapped.
  13. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
    Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
  14. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
    E.T. phoned home.
  15. What does a man consider a seven course meal?
    A hot dog and a six pack.
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Possible Slogans for 'National Condom Week'

  1. A crank with armor will never harm her.
  2. About to blast her? Cover your bushmaster.
  3. About to dick her? Don't forget your slicker.
  4. Before getting drastic, wrap it in plastic.
  5. Before getting laid, wrap up your spade.
  6. Before spreading thighs, be sure to condomize.
  7. Before the bed starts to rockin', put your cock in a stockin'.
  8. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
  9. Before you bag her, sheath your dagger.
  10. Bodies shouldn't go slapping unless peter's got his wrapping.
  11. Cover your stump before you hump.
  12. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
  13. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
  14. Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
  15. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
  16. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
  17. Going out? Shroud your sprout!
  18. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
  19. If you go into heat, package your meat.
  20. If you really love her, wear a cover.
  21. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
  22. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
  23. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
  24. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
  25. Never ever deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
  26. No glove, no love!
  27. Save embarrassment later, cover your gator.
  28. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
  29. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
  30. Taking out the trouser mouse? Don't forget his rubber blouse.
  31. The right selection will protect your erection.
  32. Undressing Venus? Dress up your penis!
  33. When being a charmer, a covered dick will never harm her.
  34. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
  35. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip on your trouser mouse.
  36. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis.
  37. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
  38. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
  39. You could get a germ if you don't cover your worm.
  40. You might wind up dead if you don't shield your head.
  41. Put a boot on your root.
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Dumb Things To Do With Your Dick

  1. Use it to discipline your pitbull.
  2. Check that the electric pencil sharpener is working.
  3. Use it to pry jammed toast out of the toaster.
  4. Get a blow job from a cannibal.
  5. Substitute it for a golf tee.
  6. Use it to teach a woman to drive a five speed.
  7. Screw the 15-year-old daughter of a redneck Texan gun salesman.
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Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex

  1. "Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
  2. "I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
  3. "I'm not really married."
  4. "It's only a cold sore."
  5. "Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
  6. "Size isn't important."
  7. "This won't hurt, I promise."
  8. "We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
  9. "We'll always be together."
  10. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
  11. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
  12. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
  13. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
  14. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
  15. All the good ones are taken.
  16. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
  17. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
  18. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
  19. Do it only with the best.
  20. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
  21. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
  22. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
  23. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
  24. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law)
  25. If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get married.
  26. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
  27. It is always the wrong time of month.
  28. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
  29. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
  30. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
  31. Love comes in spurts.
  32. Love is a hole in the heart.
  33. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
  34. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
  35. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  36. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
  37. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
  38. Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
  39. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
  40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
  41. Never say no.
  42. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
  43. Nice guys finish last.
  44. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
  45. No sex with anyone in the same office.
  46. Nothing improves with age.
  47. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
  48. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.
  49. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
  50. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
  51. Sex has no calories.
  52. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
  53. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
  54. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
  55. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
  56. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
  57. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
  58. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
  59. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
  60. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
  61. Virginity can be cured.
  62. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
  63. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
  64. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
  65. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
  66. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.
  67. and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!
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A Complete List of Pickup Lines

  1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
  2. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
  3. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
  4. Say, did we go to different schools together?
  5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
  6. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
  7. At the office copy machine: "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
  8. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
  9. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you lik e pizza?
  10. Bond. James Bond.
  11. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book. So what's one more?
  12. Your place or mine?
  13. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
  14. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
  15. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
  16. Your face or mine?
  17. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
  18. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
  19. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
  20. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
  21. I'd look good on you.
  22. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
  23. I would kill or die to make love to you.
  24. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
  25. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
  26. HI! Can I buy you a car?
  27. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
  28. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
  29. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met?
  30. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
  31. You're ugly, but you interest me.
  32. Do you believe in one-night-stands?
  33. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear.
  34. If I gave you a neglige for my birthday, would there be anything in it?
  35. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
  36. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
  37. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
  38. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
  39. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
  40. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
  41. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
  42. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
  43. I'd like to rearrange the alphabet and put u and i together
  44. I lost my phone number can i borrow yours ??
  45. I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
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Some Funny Answering Machine Messages

  1. C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
  2. No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  3. Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
  4. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
  5. Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
  6. Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
  7. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
  8. E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.
  9. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
  10. Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible.
  11. Hello, you're caller number nine!
  12. This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
  13. Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.
  14. (In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
  15. I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
  16. I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
  17. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
  18. (Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag.
  19. The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. So PLEASE leave a message!
  20. After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
  21. The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.
  22. Please leave a tone after the message.
  23. Creamed asparagus! BEEP
  24. Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway.
  25. OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?
  26. Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
  27. Kyle. Message. BEEP.
  28. This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when, and I'll... You know.
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Yo Momma Jokes

  1. Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up!
  2. Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
  3. Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
  4. Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
  5. Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
  6. Yo momma so fat, her blood type is RAGU!
  7. Yo momma so fat, she has to iron her clothes on the driveway!
  8. Yo momma so fat, she jumped into the air and got stuck!
  9. Yo momma so fat, when she wears a Malcom X shirt, helicopters land on her.
  10. Yo momma so fat, when she wears a red dress, all the kids yell "Hey Kool Aid !"
  11. Yo momma so fat, last time we had sex and I was on top, I burned my ass on t he light bulb!
  12. Yo momma so fat she uses a sheep as a tampon!
  13. Yo momma so poor when I saw her walking down the street kickin a can and ask ed what she doin, she said, "Movin'"
  14. Yo momma so greasy, she uses bacon for a band-aid.
  15. Yo momma so fat when she cut her arm, gravy poured out.
  16. Yo momma so old she used to ride chariots to high school!!
  17. Yo momma so old her social security number is 1.
  18. Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose 7-UP!
  19. Yo momma so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a mexican phone company!
  20. Yo momma so dumn I took her to a football game and she thought a quarterback was a rebate.
  21. Yo momma so old she lent Jesus a Quarter.
  22. Yo momma so stupid she put a dime in a parking meter and waited for gum to c ome out!
  23. Yo momma eat so much she has a revolving door on the refrigerator.
  24. Yo momma so fat she stepped on the scale and it said TILT!
  25. Yo momma so poor the welcome mat on her doorstep only say "Wel..."
  26. Yo momma so stupid-she got fired from a blow job
  27. Yo momma so fat she bungee jumped and went straight to hell.
  28. Yo momma teeth so rotten when she smile she look like a pair of dice.
  29. Yo momma like a bag o chips: Free-to-lay.
  30. Yo momma so fat they had to take her drivers license photo from the Hubble telescope.
  31. Yo momma so fat she fell on a rainbow and made skittles!
  32. Yo momma so stupid she sold the tv and watches the couch!
  33. Yo momma so stupid she talks back to her rice krispies!
  34. Yo momma so fat she sat on a silver dollar, and made four quarters.
  35. Yo momma so fat i walked around her, and got lost.
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Why A Beer Is Better Than A Woman

  1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
  2. Beer stains wash out.
  3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
  4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
  5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
  6. Beer is never late.
  7. HANGOVERS go away.
  8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
  9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
  10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
  11. Beer never has a headache.
  12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
  13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
  14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
  15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
  16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
  17. You can share a beer with your friends.
  18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
  19. A beer is always wet.
  20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
  21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
  22. You can have a beer in public.
  23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
  24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
  25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
  26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
  27. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
  28. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
  29. Beer looks the same in the morning.
  30. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
  31. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
  32. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
  33. Beer doesn't get cramps.
  34. Beer doesn't have a mother.
  35. Beer doesn't have morals.
  36. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
  37. Beer always listens and never argues.
  38. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
  39. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
  40. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
  41. Beer is never overweight.
  42. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
  43. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
  44. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
  45. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
  46. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
  47. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
  48. Beer never changes its mind.
  49. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
  50. Beer never asks you to change the station.
  51. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
  52. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
  53. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
  54. Beer is always easy to pick up.
  55. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
  56. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
  57. Beer NEVER says no.
  58. Beer is easy to get into.
  59. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
  60. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
  61. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
  62. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
  63. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
  64. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
  65. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
  66. Beer doesn't blow you off.
  67. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
  68. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
  69. Beer doesn't mind football season.
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Why A Beer Is Better Than A Man

  1. A beer makes life easier.
  2. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
  3. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
  4. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
  5. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
  6. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
  7. A beer will never expect you to sit in the wet spot IT makes.
  8. A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
  9. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
  10. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
  11. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
  12. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
  13. A beer will never smell like a man.
  14. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
  15. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
  16. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
  17. A beer doesn't sulk.
  18. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
  19. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
  20. A beer doesn't have to sleep with the windows open.
  21. A beer doesn't snore.
  22. A beer can't interrupt.
  23. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
  24. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
  25. A beer doesn't belch.
  26. A beer doesn't mind having pantyhose dry in the bathroom.
  27. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
  28. A good beer is easy to find.
  29. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
  30. A beer can't pout.
  31. A beer doesn't have a mother.
  32. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
  33. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
  34. A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
  35. A beer won't even mind if you have another six pack.
  36. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
  37. A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
  38. A beer will be there for anytime of the month.
  39. A beer doesn't want children.
  40. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
  41. A beer isn't ready until you're ready.
  42. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
  43. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
  44. Hangovers go away.
  45. A beer tastes good.
  46. Having a beer doesn't make you want to take a shower.
  47. A beer is never late.
  48. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
  49. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
  50. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
  51. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
  52. A beer would never make fun of your new outfit.
  53. A beer never needs a shave.
  54. You don't have to let a beer win.
  55. A beer doesn't care what toppings you get on the pizza.
  56. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to sleep with a beer too.
  57. A beer doesn't have morning breath.
  58. A beer never wants to go to the drag races.
  59. A beer is happy to go where ever you want to go.
  60. A beer helps with the houswork.
  61. A beer will never drink the last beer.
  62. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
  63. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
  64. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
  65. A beer is seldom messy.
  66. When a beer is finished, it doesn't roll over and go to sleep.
  67. A beer container is recyclable.
  68. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
  69. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
  70. A beer is never tempermental.
  71. A beer will never complain about your cooking.
  72. A cold beer is a good beer.
  73. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
  74. A beer will never worry about losing its hair.
  75. A big, fat beer is nice to have.
  76. A beer is never too sensitive.
  77. A beer won't steal the covers.
  78. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
  79. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
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You know you're a redneck if...

  1. ... the directions to your house say "turn off of the paved road."
  2. ... you have to go to the top of the water tower with a can of spray paint to defend your sister's honor.
  3. ... you are mowing the yard and you find your old car.
  4. ... when asked for identification, you show them your beltbuckle!!!
  5. ... you go to your family reunion looking for a date.
  6. ... your family tree doesn't branch.
  7. ... you and your dad are going to your first day of kindergarten together.
  8. ... you wear a belt buckle big enough to serve Thanksgiving dinner on.
  9. ... your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
  10. ... your idea of a romantic evening is five straight hours of pro-wrestling.
  11. ... your home is mobile and your car's not.
  12. ... your idea of talking during sex is, "Ah come'on honey, thar ain't no cars a comin'"
  13. ... you have more tattoos than teeth.
  14. ... you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
  15. ... you consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
  16. ... the colour of your car is primer.
  17. ... your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
  18. ... you owe the taxidermist more than your annual salary.
  19. ... you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
  20. ... jack daniels makes your list of most admired people.
  21. ... your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
  22. ... you see no need to stop at a rest area since you have an empty milk jug in the car.
  23. ... you have a rag for a gas cap.
  24. ... the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
  25. ... you ever had to scratch your sisters name out of the message "for a good time call..."
  26. ... your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
  27. ... redman chewing tobacco sends you a christmas card.
  28. ... you bought a vcr because wrestling comes on when you are at work.
  29. ... your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
  30. ... you prominently display a souvenir you bought at graceland.
  31. ... you think volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
  32. ... you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it .
  33. ... you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
  34. ... your father encourages you quit school because larry has an opening on t he lube rack.
  35. ... after making love you have to ask your date to roll down the window.
  36. ... your mother keeps a spitcup on the ironing board.
  37. ... your brother calls your mom "sis".
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One Liners

  1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  3. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  4. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
  5. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  6. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  7. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  8. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  9. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
  10. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  11. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  12. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  13. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  15. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  16. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
  17. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
  18. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  19. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  20. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
  21. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
  22. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  23. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  24. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  25. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
  26. Dain bramaged.
  27. Department of Redundancy Department
  28. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  29. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  30. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  31. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
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  1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
  2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
  3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
  4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
  5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
  6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
  7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
  8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
  9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
  10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
  11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
  12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
  13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
  14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
  15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
  16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
  17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
  18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
  19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
  20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
  21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
  22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
  23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
  24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
  25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
  26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
  27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
  28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
  29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
  30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
  31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
  32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
  33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
  34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
  35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
  36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
  37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
  38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
  39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
  40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
  41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
  42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
  43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
  44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
  45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
  46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
  47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
  48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
  49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
  50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
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Ways to know you IRC too much

  1. You type /clear at the % prompt.
  2. You keep saying, "I'll only be here another 15 minutes."
  3. You are at the top of the TOP 20 IRC user list.
  4. You are marked /away more than you type.
  5. You wanna say, "Look! I have a bouncy chair, isn't this funny?"
  6. You know more people on IRC than you do in real life.
  7. You get excited about kicking people from channels.
  8. You sit there wondering how many peopl are on IRC.
  9. People come back to the cluster and say, "You're still here?"
  10. You write lists of all the IRC commands.
  11. You haven't gone to bed in 3 days.
  12. You log into all the terminals in the cluster just so you can say you did.
  13. You say, "Wow! Maybe I should go eat breakfast soon..."
  14. You have a favorite terminal.
  15. You get all you friends to sign up for IRC.
  16. Your friends can't get you to leave, so they have to use it more...and you talk to them more one IRC than in person.
  17. You've completely customized your .ircrc file manually.
  18. You have your own IRC client!
  19. You say, "There's life outside of IRC?"
  20. You start using abbreviatons like: ppl, cos, bbl, puter, brb, etc.
  21. You have ever had sex with someone from IRC (in real life... no netsex here.)
  22. You want to create ircsh.
  23. You have significant others on IRC.
  24. You aren't going to any of your classes so that you can IRC.
  25. The only thing you know how to do on the computer is IRC.
  26. You never capitalize the letter "i."
  27. You get more email from people you don't know than people you do.
  28. You sign your nick at the bottom of all of your email without even thinking about it.
  29. You plan long trips to meet people from IRC.
  30. You start saying everyone's name before you talk to then...(ex. "Dolly: when are we going to dinner?")
  31. You make more long distance phone calls to IRC people than to your family....
  32. You're an IRC operator.
  33. You make a list like this.
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